He’s only gone and done it. Spending the last week religiously listening to some of TikTok’s most popular songs was not something I ever thought I’d be doing but boy oh boy do I need the clicks. Following up to my previous post about TikTok songs, I’ve decided that I’m not quite done exploring the music that resides there. I kept hearing songs and thinking “how the hell did I forget about that one?”, so I’ve congregated 50 new songs (2 hours 28 minutes for just one listen :/) that avoided placements on my previous lists so I can do it all again. I’ll be ranking them from worst to best but due to this being the most extensive post I’ve written so far, I’m splitting it in two so you don’t get too bored of me listing my opinions over and over again. This first post will cover positions 50-26 so plenty of shits and giggles to be had here. Without further ado, here is my list:
50. Tiagz – ‘They Call me Tiago (Her Name Is Margo)
Kicking us off is Tiagz with what is possibly the worst set of rhymes I’ve ever heard in a hook. It sounds like he’s gone on Rhymezone and just picked the first four words that rhyme with his name and just prayed that they worked. They don’t. Proper year 4 level content here from Tiagz. Potentially the worst song I’ve ever heard.
49. The Boyboy West Coast – ‘U Was At The Club (Bottoms Up)’
Firstly, what is that name? Secondly, what is this song? It sounds like The Boyboy West Coast has put a deep filter on his voice to make him sound more macho or something and it really doesn’t work for him, poor bloke. He sounds like Alexa’s douchebag teenage brother living off But Light and Doritos. The Boyboy West Coast (WHAT IS THAT NAME?) is the harbinger of vest tops and frat parties. Get this off my playlist, now.
48. Tiagz – ‘My Heart Went Oops’
Wahey Tiagz is back, already. Having two of the worst three songs I’ve found on TikTok is almost impressive, to be honest. It’s more of the same from Tiagz, unfortunately. More disjointed bars that never really go anywhere, a dependency on the beat, and a half-arsed attempt at delivery come together like some twisted infinity stones to make a gauntlet that causes more pain and anguish than Thanos could ever have dreamed of.
47. StaySolidRocky – ‘Party Girl’
Somehow this song has seen a steady run on the Spotify streaming charts and I have to wonder, why? StaySolidRocky’s monotone delivery will send party girls home rather than have them on the dance floor. And the cheap YNW Melly imitation that he seems to do doesn’t help either. Proper boring buzzkill, this one.
46. Conkarah, Shaggy – ‘Banana’
No no no no no no no no. If you want to have a good idea about the level of quality in this track, just know that the dynamic album art is a banana with sunglasses on. A BANANA WITH SUNGLASSES ON.
45. MarMar Oso – ‘Ruthless (Nice Guys Always Finish Last)’
The incel soundtrack of the year. There’s just something so dodgy about men that label themselves the ‘nice guy’, isn’t there? That’s not really something you can decide for yourself, mate. There’s a reason this song is memed beyond belief and its always hilarious.
44. BMW KENNY – ‘Wipe it Down’
It makes sense in the context of the TikTok it accompanies, but try and listen to this song in its entirety without the videos, I dare you. It’s only 1 minute and 39 seconds long so on the surface it shouldn’t seem so bad, but I promise you that those will be the longest 99 seconds of your life.
43. Lil Keed – ‘Snake’
One of the many thousands of Young Thug disciples to emerge over the last few years, Lil Keed does little to diversify the well-trodden ground on which he walks, struggling to find his own voice and persona. Even if this was a Young Thug song, it would probably have been cut from any album it was intended for.
42. King Critical – ‘Why is Everything Chrome (Lean Swag Rock Wit it)’
In case it wasn’t explicitly clear, sampling Spongebob Squarepants is NOT a viable stylistic decision. If there’s one thing that King Critical has going for him here it’s that he sounds a bit like Freddie Gibbs. However, he’s not even close to Freddie Gibbs in the talent department, and this song sucks.
41. Yung Bae, bbno$, Billy Marchiafava – ‘Bad Boy’
Yung Bae has men all over the world wetting themselves in fear with his declaration: “I might just take your woman for a night”. Except, he doesn’t. just one of many laughable bars on a laughable track. The song is sort of disguised as satire, but it’s just one step too far toward bragging and arrogance to pull off what it was going for. It’s like when someone tells a lie so many times they start to believe it.
40. JoeVille – ‘Sexy’
Here JoeVille actually reveals something which is probably true: “you can do anything you want when you sexy”. ‘Hmm, he might be onto something’ you might think upon hearing this, but hang on, JoeVille then descends into explaining about how he is actually the sexy one and how everyone obviously thirsts after him. Spare us the bs, please.
39. Simple Plan – ‘I’m Just a Kid’
Reemerging from an early 2000’s time capsule, this pop punk anthem for kids just like Sid from Toy Story really shows its age in the contemporary musical landscape. If cheesy teen drama music is what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.
38. Bill Wurtz – ‘Just Did a Bad Thing’
A ‘butter wouldn’t melt…’ type of song, this one. Usually played over the top of people exploiting their family pets for likes on TikTok, ‘Just Did a Bad Thing’ takes the ‘kill them with kindness’ approach and applies it to music. Does this work? No. Death by marshmallow.
37. Sam Fischer – ‘This City’
Something about this song really rubs me up the wrong way. Maybe its how incredibly bland it is. Or maybe its how forgettable and unoriginal Sam Fischer is as an artist. ‘This City’ could have been sung by any number of straight white men with an acoustic guitar and scruffy facial hair, yet it appears Sam Fischer was the one the bottle landed on. Run of the mill, bog standard, uninspired.
36. KRYPTO9095, D3Mstreet – ‘Woah’
Perhaps the first song written by not one, but two people using their Xbox Gamertags as their stage names. The song is weirdly iconic just because of how popular hitting the woah seems to be, but that does not mean that this track is any good. In fact, it’s pretty poor. I get that its a bit of fun, but it just doesn’t hold up on a musical level.
35. Doja Cat – ‘Cyber Sex’
Explicit warning, here. Opening her album, Doja Cat immediately tells all her listeners: “Pussy all pink with a tan, And I play with it ’til my middle fingers are cramped up”. I cannot believe I just typed that out, Jesus bloody Christ. That’s just about as graphic as it gets and you have to laugh, if you don’t, you’ll cry. Cheers, Doja.
34. JP Saxe, Julia Michaels – ‘If the World Was Ending’
A real stinker here at number 34. One of those songs where the two vocalists hold an uncomfortable staring competition whilst they sing at each other. Whoever stops to play piano or hold their heart first, loses! As cringey as it gets so I’m sorry I had to bring it up. My apologies.
33. Robbie Doherty, Keees – ‘Pour the Milk’
A controversial placing from me, I reckon. I can hear the bucket hat wearing, gun finger wielding, wannabe sesh heads raging already. It’s not as god awful as the songs that have come before it, but I just cannot get behind the bizarre narrative that is going on between drops.
32. Bag Raiders – ‘Shooting Stars’
One of the most iconic meme songs of all time was given to us by Bag Raiders with ‘Shooting Stars’. You just couldn’t listen to this without laughing eventually as your mind’s eye sees you flying through the galaxy. The song just isn’t one for a serious listen.
31. Vicetone, Tony Igy – ‘Astronomia’
I could copy and paste what I wrote for ‘Shooting Stars’, here. What a meme this song accompanies, but yet again, a serious listen is out of reach.
30. Natalie Taylor – ‘Surrender’
This one sounds like a John Lewis Christmas advert that never made it. Instead, it probably ends up getting played over devastating moments of ‘heart break’ on shows like Love Island. I can picture it now, one fame hungry instagram model gets rejected by another fame hungry instagram model who fancies a different fame hungry instagram model as the fire pit slowly burns in the background.
29. Drake – ‘Toosie Slide’
It must be class being Drake. Literally anything he makes turns to gold, regardless of how little effort he actually puts in. On ‘Toosie Slide’, I feel that he’s probably not trying too hard. Compare this to songs like ‘Energy’ or ‘0 to 100 / The Catch Up’ and the respectable, ruthless Drake of the past seems a distant memory.
28. DJ Flex, Denise Belfon – ‘Put Your Back In It (Afrobeat)’
We’re pretty much out of the gutter by number 28 and it’s only up from here. ‘Put Your Back In It’ came as ‘Just Okay’ on my scale when I was ranking all of these songs. It’s fun and lively but lacks the cutting edge that later tracks will come to show.
27. G Herbo, Juice WRLD, Lil Uzi vert, Chance the Rapper – ‘PTSD’
Right, here’s my issue with this track. Too many features. What do Chance the Rapper and Lil Uzi Vert add that G Herbo and Juice WRLD couldn’t do themselves? There’s a genuine message here and I feel like it gets lost in the feature list. Get rid of those misplaced Chance and Uzi features and this song jumps 10-15 places on my list.
26. Nightcrawlers, MK – ‘Push the Feeling On – MK Dub Revisited Edition’
And finally, the best of the bad bunch is this Ibiza classic. I think Pitbull’s ‘Hotel Room Service’ really ruined this one, though. However, the song has longevity and is not done yet, especially with AJ Tracey and MoStack’s ‘Dinner Guest’ recently proving to be a huge summer hit. It just misses out on the illustrious top 25 spot, but I don’t think Nightcrawlers or MK will really mind what a second year uni student says about their track.
And that’s the first half of the list. Some really awful songs there for you to never ever listen to, especially the first 20 or so I listed. It’s genuinely quite amazing how some of these songs have found the light of day, let alone intense popularity. We have TikTok to thank for that, of course. Simultaneously the best and worst app around right now, I’m sure I could repeat this list in a year’s time and find some new songs to hate, and I probably will. I’ll be posting the second part in a few days if you fancy some slightly better musical recommendations then have a read of that one, too. Cheers.
The Turntable 